ROBIN HAWDON
P L A Y W R I G H T

THE MATING GAME
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E X T R A C T

JULIA. ….. (turning on JAMES) This is all your fault, isn’t it?

JAMES. Oh, do me a favour!

JULIA. You were here last night. You knew she was the one. I bet you encouraged it.

JAMES. I was just an innocent bystander. That sort of woman scares me to death. She’s a man-eater.

JULIA. Well she was certainly making a good breakfast out of you two!

JAMES. Now look….

JULIA. Which meal is she planning next, I wonder.

JAMES. Dinner actually.

JULIA. What?

JAMES. Oh dear. I don’t think I should have said that.

JULIA. Dinner?

JAMES. Well, yes.

JULIA. Tonight?

JAMES. Well, yes.

JULIA. Where?

JAMES. I’m not telling!

JULIA. (fiercely, raising a paper knife) Where?

JAMES. (quickly) Her place.

JULIA. I certainly am naive. Your brother’s just taking advantage of me.

JAMES. (muttering) Well if he isn’t, it’s high time he did.

JULIA. (almost in tears) Oh, how I despise that man! Do you hear James? I despise him! Mrs. Finney, I despise Draycott Harris!

MRS F. ( dead-pan) Yes, dear.

JAMES. Isn’t it time you stopped saying that?

JULIA. What?

JAMES. Nobody believes it. Except perhaps Drake. You certainly don’t believe it.

JULIA. I certainly do.

JAMES. Well, we don’t believe it, do we Mrs. Finney?

MRS F. No.

JULIA. (to MRS. FINNEY) Don’t you?

MRS. F. Lord, no.

JULIA. How do I feel about him then?

MRS. F. I don’t know, dear, but you get so worked up about how he spends his nights, there’s only one way to find out.

JULIA. What’s that?

MRS. F. Spend one with him, and see if it’s worth the worry.

(JULIA is stunned.)

JULIA. (finally to JAMES) Did you hear that?

JAMES. Yes. I think we talk the same language after all.

JULIA. (to MRS. FINNEY) If you’re suggesting I’m in love with Draycott…..

MRS. F. Ah, now I didn’t say anything about love, dear. People spend half their time these days talking about love, when what they’re really worried about is sex. Sex is like food. If you haven’t had any for a long time, you can think of nothing else. If you have it regular, as is natural, you get it over, clear the table, and get on with more important things. As an expert, wouldn’t you agree, Mr. Harris?

JAMES. Don’t ask me - I’m on a diet.

MRS. F. Now your boss is quite a palatable dish. You fancy him, that’s obvious, or you wouldn’t be so worried about who else is having a nibble. But if I were you I should get a move on while there’s still something left on the plate.
(She exits into kitchen.)
JAMES. Thank you, Delia Smith!

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