a night
in provence E X T R A C T * |
MAURICE: …..No! Absolutely not! I'm extremely sorry for this mistake, but this is our house and we must stay here. I'm sure we can find you a nice hotel, and.... FRED: No, chum, no, sorry, but we're not going to any hotel. It's a villa we wanted - nice and private - swimming pool - near the sea. It took me bloody hours to track this down - on the internet, on the phone, trawling through the bloody adverts... There is no way we are leaving here. Got it? YVETTE: Ah! FRED: I'm very sorry, but if you and your agents have cocked it up between you, then it's your responsibility. You'll just have to work it out between you. We're staying. We're legally entitled. MAURICE: Merde! YVETTE: Je n'quitte pas, Maurice. MAURICE: Shh! YVETTE: Je n'quitte pas. FRED: What she say? JUDY: She's not going. FRED: Now look here.... I don't want to be nasty about this. I'm very sorry for the balls-up.... I mean the mistake. But it's not our fault. We've driven all through France and half round bloody Provence trying to find the place - there is no way we are going to leave. D'you understand? MAURICE: But, we.... FRED: You'll just have to tell your agents to find you somewhere else. MAURICE: We can't go somewhere else! It's our home! We have everything here! FRED: We've got everything here too. I had a job stopping her bringing the bloody washing machine! YVETTE: (FIERCE WHISPER) Fais quelque chose, Maurice. MAURICE: (TURNING THE CHARM ONTO JUDY) Madame - you can understand. The agents will find for you another place, I'm sure, but this is our home. JUDY: Well... FRED: No. No way. We're not leaving. JUDY: It's very difficult. MAURICE: Ah, mon dieu! (TO YVETTE) Qu'est ce qu'on va faire? YVETTE: (EMPHATIC) Je ne quitte pas. FRED: She ne quittes pas, we ne quitte pas. What we going to do - fight the Battle of Waterloo? MAURICE: You British are very... how you say? - stubborn. FRED: Oh thanks. You make a cock-up, and we're the ones who are stubborn. You sound like Charles de Gaulle all over again. MAURICE: I think I rather be Charles de Gaulle than Maggie Thatcher. FRED: Oh yes? And what about….? JUDY: Fred! For God's sake, are we going to fight about the whole of French history? FRED: Well... JUDY: What are we going to do? FRED: (SITTING DETERMINEDLY ON THE SOFA) I know what I'm going to do. I'm sitting here until they take their stuff and move out, that's what I'm doing. MAURICE: Ah, mon Dieu! (GESTURES TO YVETTE) Yvette. (LEADS HER UPSTAGE AND THEY MUTTER FIERCELY TOGETHER) JUDY: This is just awful, Fred. FRED: It's their problem. JUDY: It's embarrassing! (LOOKING AT THEM) What they up to? FRED: I dunno, but it won't work. JUDY: He's rather dishy, isn't he? FRED: You what? JUDY: Well.... FRED: I don't believe this! JUDY: I'm only saying, Fred. He's got that French charm. FRED: I'll shove his French charm up his French arse if he doesn't get out of here. JUDY: It is their house. FRED: So what? They let it out, and we've rented it. We're paying them a lot of dosh for this, let me remind you. JUDY: I know, but.... (MAURICE COMES TO THEM) MAURICE: Please - I ask you one more time - let us try to find you a nice hotel. We pay the difference. FRED: Sorry - we're not going to any hotel. It's a villa holiday we booked, and we're staying. MAURICE: Then it seems there is only one thing to do. FRED: What's that? MAURICE: We have to share. JUDY: Share? FRED: Share? MAURICE: We share the house. It's big. We can be separated. We can be private. We stay here together. JUDY: But you don't understand. We're not the only people.... FRED: (STOPPING HER) Shush! (TO MAURICE) How long you here for? MAURICE: Two weeks, like you. FRED: You mean we spend the whole holiday here together? MAURICE: What else can we do? Either we fight a duel with the pistols, or we have to share. FRED: Well, I dunno.... JUDY: Could be quite fun, Fred. FRED: What about cooking and everything? MAURICE: (SHRUGGING) Some nights you go to a restaurant, some nights we go. We take in turn. FRED: What about the rent? MAURICE: You pay half. JUDY: That'd be fair. FRED: I dunno. MAURICE: Have you another idea? FRED: Well... bit of a funny arrangement. MAURICE: It's called the Common Market. I know you British don't like it, but maybe you can try. FRED: What if we don't get on? MAURICE: You are always free to leave. FRED: Yeh, thanks. JUDY: I think it's the best way, Fred. MAURICE: It is the only way. FRED: Well, all right, but... JUDY: But Fred - you'll have to say to them... I mean, what about...? (NODS TOWARDS THE SECOND BEDROOMS) FRED: Yeh. Look, there's something we should, er.... MAURICE: I know, the bedrooms. This is easy. We take the first bedroom here. You have all the other rooms over there. You have two bedrooms, you have your own bathroom, you have... FRED: Oh no, no, no... MAURICE: What? FRED: That bedroom's ours. We've already moved in. YVETTE: (JUMPING IN) Ah, non! Zis bedroom is ours! JUDY: No - it's ours. Our cases are in there. YVETTE: Non! Absolument non! MAURICE: No, you see it's our own personal bedroom, this. We have our clothes in the cupboard, we have all our things in the bathroom.... JUDY: Oh, Fred! FRED: Well I'm sorry about that, but we've already picked that room. My wife's set her heart on it, you see. I'm afraid that's part of the deal. YVETTE: Non! I must have my bedroom. It's not fair! MAURICE: Please. For the sake of the entente cordiale. FRED: Listen, chum - you can stick the
entente cordiale up your vive la France!
We've given in on the bloody house -
we at least get to choose bedrooms….. * |
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